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insertname's blog
| Saturday, June 18th, 2005
Vampire Hookers
After much deliberation, and a bit of time in the bathroom sniffing paint, I have finally decided that the greatest movie is, indeed, Vampire Hookers. I'll admit that many other movies have come close, but none have quite reached the level of this artistic master piece. Of course, you're all wondering right about now: "What's so special about hookers? My Dad brings them home all the time!" Well, Billy.. (can I call you Billy? Great.) I know that hookers, in themselves, are not very amazing. I mean, let's be serious. They are cheap, stinky, diseased, horribly dressed, unintelligent, criminal, heroin addicted sluts. But let's not forget that hookers are only around to make people happy, and, like all people with this goal in mind(for example, Walt Disney), they must live with the fact that what they are doing is illegal and that they smell bad. You shouldn't judge them. After all, if not for Hookers, you'd probably be beaten a lot more frequently(and maybe even raped once or twice).
Now that we have set up the hookers are, in fact, awesome, we move on to the vampire part. Now, Billy, I'm sure you're saying to yourself now: "But vampires are evil! And they hurt people!" Well Billy, let's remember that the vampires we are talking about are the imaginary ones. We don't mean those stupid preteens who sharpen their teeth and have crazy orgies. Those vampires are indeed retches on society and make awful prostitutes. These psuedo-vampire prostitutes are the ones who are found on the dark side of the corner(We all know to stay away from those kinds), not to be confused with the ones in the partially lighted part of the corner, who are helpful to society. The vampires we talk about are the ones that help the world by getting rid of bitches who scream loudly and who don't know not to fuck a guy who just flew through their bedroom window. We are also not talking about the Anne Rice vamps, who are useless, as all they do is fuck anything in sight. They aren't as useful as hookers, as they don't fuck people who really need it(just old dudes who are going to kick it any time now, not the average divorced joes of the world who really need it), and they are not as useful as other vampires as they don't do nearly enough killing.
Now that we have that all set up, we can move on to the mixture of these two beings. Now, I know what you're about to say: "But Julia, you can't mix two creatures who are as different as hookers and vampires! It's unnatural!" The truth is, vampires and hookers are very closely related. They have many, many similarities. They are both nocturnal, good at climbing, smelly, known to kill(though by different means), are only half living, and much more! See Billy? They are perfect for mixing!
With the vampires' impressive senses improving the crappy ones of the hooker, the hookers street smarts and ability to make money to help improve the living conditions from a coffin to a condo, and the amazing killer abilities of both merging to make a super killing machine would make this creature the greatest thing to ever walk the Earth.
Now that we have established that the hybrid Vampire Hooker is the greatest creature ever, we will now talk about why the *movie* is so great. I feel it is safe to say that this movie has everything a movie could possibly have without making your brain explode from the pure awesomeness of it all. It has vampires, hookers, vampire hookers, business men, pimps, vampire pimps(another amazingly bred creature, which we shall discuss at a later time), sailors, pirates, and quite a bit more that I can't be bothered to list right now. With all this bad ass shit mixed into one easy to find video, you have the undeniably greatest movie ever.
Now Billy, I'm sure that after reading this you're aching to see this awesome, action packed, romantic, thought-provoking movie. Too bad. This movie is rated...I think something around X. You'll never get you under-aged hands on it. But hey, at least you can live happily with the knowledge that such a movie is in existence and brings joy to people everyday, right?
Vampire Hookers rock.
| | Posted By insertname @ 4:44 PM | [Comment on this blog post] |
| TheVampireArmand's comment posted June 25th @ 2:27 AM:
You need to be institutionalized. |
| insertname's comment posted July 12th @ 12:51 AM:
Oh, come on. You know Vampire Hookers are cool. Plus they're dead, so it's safe sex. No condoms needed(they can't get pregnant, either). I forgot to mention that in the thingy above. Oh well. But seriously. Come on, jack. Geez. |
| MetalGirllalala's comment posted July 30th @ 8:39 PM:
Ok how do u type so much in ur blog entreys i got hand cramps just reading that????? |
| insertname's comment posted July 31st @ 12:36 PM:
It's not really that long... |
| MetalGirllalala's comment posted July 31st @ 3:23 PM:
2 a brain dead idiot like me it is!!!!! |
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