insertname's blog
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
Sporks
The ‘Amazing’ Spork: A step up in convenience, a step back in intellect?
The spork: some claim it to be the single greatest culinary invention yet. Truly our forefathers could never have imagined such a glorious thing to have sprung from the minds of mere men. Imagine, combining two utensils, so different in design, into one superior tool. It is most definite that these are the utensils of the future. But they are so much more. Though they are found in nearly ever cafeteria nation wide, we are still a little amazed each time we see one. The spork has swept the nation and made its indentation in society, gathering up quite a following. The simple search of the word “spork” on google will find you hundreds, if not thousands, of spork lovers and even worshipers. However, what is the spork truly? Is it really as great as it seems?
Each day when feeding time arrives(unless you are anorexic) you are faced with a choice: spoon, fork, knife, or hand? This choice requires us to analyze our food and, by it’s appearance and properties, choose the best utensil to use on it. This period, though sometimes lasting for barely a second, sharpens our non-verbal skills and keeps our brain at work. The invasion of the spork will surely end this practice. This has eliminated any lunch time brain activity at our schools and soon, with the help of metallic manufactured sporks found conveniently at your local grocery store, will end it at the home as well. Without this activity our brains will be losing vital exercise. Slowly, we will find less need to use our problem solving functions in real life situations. This will spawn a new generation of lazy slobs who will have everything done for them. No more decisions and no more independence. Our youth will be like zombies. Soon all appliances will be combined until everything is done by one or two multi-talented devices that run your daily life. Don’t believe me? Look around you. It has already begun. The new dependant society will be easily controlled by those higher up on the levels of government. You will be tools of those who are powerful, and totally unaware of it. You will no longer be humans, but meat puppets. You’ll be cattle, kept alive and bred for the purpose of supporting your ‘masters’.
On a brighter note, the current world wide spreading of the spork will cause factories to be made and more jobs created. Finally those poor little children in China will have jobs to make small inadequate amounts of money for their starving families, that is, of course, if the person who runs the factory decides to pay them at all. if not, tough luck. Life’s a bitch like that. But hey, at least you can be consoled by the fact that you weren’t directly causing child labor/slavery.
Truly sporks are the devil.
Some may argue that this is untrue. Many believe sporks are, in fact, a gift from God, if not God-like themselves. Some believe the spork is God. it can be argued that the Bible, when interpreted correctly, claims that the spork is the supreme being...err...utensil. However, the Bible, when translated correctly, could also seem to claim it was inspired by Satan himself. This is another step in the direction of the spork being the devil. Think about it. They were used first by places like Taco Bell and KFC. Taco Bell’s mascot is a talking dog that speaks Spanish, which as we all know is the choice language of el Diablo. They might as well have tattooed 666 on the Chihuahua’s head. Not only that, but their food bombs anyways and gives many innocent people(mostly pure religious types who donate to charity and love everyone) horrid indigestion. Next, we have KFC and their dear Colonel Sanders. He is the personification of white supremacy. He represents all the prejudice in the world. With his clean white coat and shiny ebony cane, it is obvious that Sanders is better off than most. This southern gentlemen is the image of every rich, wife beating, minority hating redneck from the past, present, and future. If this is not evil and supported by the devil, I don’t know what is. This proves that sporks could very well be Satan, or at least a creation of him.
So there you have it. Evil, dominating, and the true end of humanity. If you can’t put the pieces together yourself it doesn’t matter because you and your descendants deserve this fate. The truth has been revealed. Revoke the spork! Don’t allow it to draw you in! I know that it’s amazing, the mixture of a spoon and fork(two seemingly unmixable things) into something so incredible, but you must not let this blind you. Remember, natural disasters are incredible too, and they kill.
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| Posted By insertname @ 6:43 PM | [Comment on this blog post] |
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FATE88888888's comment posted July 30th @ 12:15 AM:
Deserve which FATE?...
--AT8FATES |
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TheVampireArmand's comment posted July 30th @ 12:27 AM:
Why is it that they won't post my Goth listing, but they will post a huge article on sporks? |
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insertname's comment posted July 30th @ 12:33 AM:
That's pretty negative, Vampy. I really have something to say here. Besides, sporks are way cooler than goths(unless we are talking about gothic sproks; now that's just plain shibby). Besides, you are just mad that you fell prey to the sporks.
Now, if you don't have something constructive about sporks to say, than just leave. :-P |
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girl-on-a-mission's comment posted July 30th @ 9:18 AM:
interesting... "sporks" seem to be just another tweak in the grand scheme to blur individuality. Sameness, oneness, etc. I say pursue uniqueness - celebrate difference! Small things add up. I'll never veiw my eating utensils quite the same again. |
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devilweed's comment posted July 30th @ 2:26 PM:
But how can you resist them, I mean their SPORKS! Their genius. You did make a good argument, (if not a little out their) but what about things like computers, calculators and microwaves for turning us into un-thinking mindless slobs? Or Tv for making us drones for the government? If sporks are to be addresed for Satins device, then all of our modern tools like that must also be addressed! |
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insertname's comment posted July 30th @ 4:53 PM:
Sir, I can only fit so much in one article. |
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FATE88888888's comment posted July 30th @ 5:41 PM:
im on a new mission from God, to create an all new, original and unique utinsel, and God said,"thou shalt call it the 'forpoon'"...
--AT8FATES |
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FATE88888888's comment posted July 30th @ 5:50 PM:
--SORRY, i got disconnected while talking to God, what She actually said was "thou shalt call it the 'forpoonife'"...so,back to the drawing board.... |
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SOADfreak's comment posted July 31st @ 10:01 AM:
dont say that sporks are the devil you fool! dont you relize by saying that, you have pretty much attracted thousands of rebellious teenagers(like vampys goth pics)to the use of sporks! your article may be the reason for the spork claiming thousands more to its ever growing army. |
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Metalbee's comment posted July 31st @ 12:37 PM:
I agree, the spork (or splade if you will) is definately a creation of pure evil. i think its right up there with the mowl, is it a mug or is it a bowl? i don't know exactly but if they would just attatch a non-slip grommit to the base id be set. |
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SRS1428's comment posted October 13th @ 4:00 PM:
I hate you so much |
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