Arken-vardika's blog
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
Worthless Worries of a Wasted Life
Here is an entry for Tuesday, May 24th in my Journal on my computer:
...I am very very lonley. Anyone and everyone that I have known sparks emotions in me that I wish that I didn't have to deal with. Emotions are strong little critters, and they take alot of strength to subdue; strength that I do not have. Fortunately, fate has interviened (sp?) and does not let these emotions overpower thought simply because they cannot. Circumstances do not allow them to. Soon after they find that there is nothing more that they can to than tear me apart, they whither away, leaving only what remains. I don't mean to be depressed. I am not trying to be depressed. I just am. Is that wrong? I am so weak. I cannot stop my own mind, and emotions from running away with me. They rip me from the place that I stand like a tornado rips through buildings, and I am a shack. I can offer little resistance....
Now don't misconstrue, I wish not to be a creature that is devoid of all emotions; I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like, but I have so many. So many that are pointless, so many that are misused. My mind screams at them, yet they laugh and say, "you pitiful thing." I lust when I should have Love. I feel pain when I should feel Joy. I feel no solice, I have no fellowship, I have no companions, no happiness, no Love. I whine like a mule. I am wasting time. Everything that I think that I have gained has turned to dust. I am no-one and nothing. I have no intelligence, I have no wisdom. I know not who I am, and I know not how to find me. I live without direction; I blunder blindly through life with nothing firm to grasp. I have strayed from the path that life has written for me. Or have I? I know not. I know nothing. I am a fool. I have lost. The world laughs. Insignificant me....
What must I do?
I have no one but myself. No thing can bring me answers. No place can give me peace. I have no one but myself, but I don't know myself. Who am I? Where do I belong? Where is my place? Who can answer these questions? Who can answer these questions when I have no-one but myself, and I don't know mysel? Was I better off as a "spooky kid"? Look at what all this has done to me. What has it done to me? I do not know; the answer would come from myself, and I don't know myself, so how would I know if the answer is true? Who really knows themselves anyway? Who actaully wants to know themselves? Why do I want to know myself? Because "the world as I see it is merely a reflection of myself." What does that mean? Is that Existentialism? I see who I am? I see who I am. I see nothing....I see that I am confused out of my very mind, what does that say? That says that I do not know who I am? Am I confused? Does my truth, do my answers....lay right out in front of me? What do I see? What does that say? What must I do?
I began this, because I felt as thought it was right. But is there "right"? Is there "wrong"? Who said there was a right and wrong? God? No. No-one did. Must I find what I think is right? Is there no definite path destiny has written that if we stray from we go to hell. No, thats silly. Isn't it? Why can't there be a definite path? Why do I have to write my own? I can't; I am powerless. I am nothing. Dirt. I was created from dirt. Wasn't I? I am my own God? Aren't I? I say what is right and wrong. Can't I? If I make my own path, how do I know where it will lead me? I cannot see the future. Can I? I don't know. I know nothing, remember? What if I write my own path, I follow it with faith that it is right for me, and it leads me to where I don't want to be? What if when I die, God exists, and I wasn't a believer...will I go to hell? I thought the Bible says that God Loves us. Why would anyone have to go to hell? Are we all going to hell? What is hell? Who made up hell? The Bible isn't true is it? It is if I say it is, right? I say it isn't. But what if I am wrong? What can I do? Should I kill myself? What will that prove? It will prove if there is a hell or not? Won't it? Will I even know? Why am I asking all of these questions? Why do I feel so lost? Why can't I just go to bed and forget about all of this? I can, can't I? If I say that I can.
I will.
Goodnight.
-Sparta
Endtime 1:45:37 AM
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| Posted By Arken-vardika @ 10:15 AM | [Comment on this blog post] |
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TheVampireArmand's comment posted May 28th @ 12:26 PM:
"Worthless Worries of a Wasted Life" sounds like a GC album, seriously you are far too Emo.....
You want a start? You want too much. There you go. |
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Zennie's comment posted May 28th @ 3:03 PM:
Basically I think what you're going through is pretty much jsut what everyone else goes through. You really aren't alone, you may feel depressed and lost and confused and wrong in every way possible but the truth is you really aren't.
Every goes through this, you're not alone. You're never really truely alone. It'll all pass away some time, maybe not now or tomorrow or the next day or even next week but it will all go away and you'll finally be happy and you'll finally be loved and soon you won't know what to do with yourself you'll be so overjoyed! Don't worry about it, stop thinking on it, don't stay seated in the dark, get up get out and try to focus on what you think wil bring you all the good things in life. |
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TheVampireArmand's comment posted May 28th @ 3:17 PM:
Meaningless words meant to comfort and distract. |
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Zennie's comment posted May 29th @ 1:10 PM:
yes, well, i like to think that not everything is as bad as it seems.....so damn the optimistism in me |
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xzar's comment posted June 18th @ 4:03 AM:
I'm certain that, at this point, nobody will ever read this. However, I must comment. Armand took that as whining. That other chick took it as some sort of call for help. Both of them saw it as Mr. Vodka here going through a crisis. I saw it as sick, sick philosophy. Most of it focused on how one can't know anything. He admitted, indirectly, that we are the only ones who know us.. and what we see. Only we can make sense of reality by what is given to us... but our eyes and ears and senses may eb wrong, right? He went on about how he knows nothing. He can't "know" anything. What one must realize is that our sense are all we have to use to percieve reality. You have to figure the rest out on your own.. with logic. Listen to others... see things yourself.. come to a conclusion.. take an action. That's it. No, you can't *KNOW* what will happen. You might try certain means to come to a certain end, only to find that the end you meet is not the one you wanted to. It is quite possibly that you will be wrong.. quite often. You may go to hell for your decisions. You may get hurt. Any number of things may happen.. but you have no choice but to at least *try* and make some sort of educated guess on what to do. You can't just sit down and decide you don't know anything and stop making choices. Just take a damn action, and whatever happens... happens. It is the only thing one can do in life... and if you believe otherwise, you will waste a lot of time and effort douing stupid shit and whining a lot. |
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Arken-vardika's comment posted June 30th @ 8:49 AM:
Everyone took this so serious. I like what Xzar said. He basically said what I was trying to say without all the emotional babbling. Thank you Xzar. But it should be noted that this was simply "venting" and it should have been taken with a grain of salt. That is all. |
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