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BigTruck's blog
| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
Your genres explained
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, sodomises the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle fucks its skull, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and sodomises it for the last time.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 seconds and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
Posted By BigTruck @ 10:30 PM | Comments: 0 |
| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
a thousand skulls as a war memorial
Scabs of the past peeling slowly from a dark and distant memory. emptiness. whispering menace glinting beneath the skin. consumption in the vast eternal maw. decaying teeth flickering over the tongue of the faceless. debasement of eternal torment. dark is the light. dark is the light. And everything is black. carried along the eternal corridor. entombed in a sarcophagus of hate. lined with the flayed hide of the weak. draped in the lungs of the aborted.tongues drooling the acidic fear of menace. peeling skin to bones. blackening with cancerous shame. disemboweled by the grotesque and carried forth on hands of wicker. buried in the wailing mud of rejection. the voices of doom carried on the winds of the virus. a thousand voices darken the great unholy destination. where the mighty winged ones sleep. awaiting you. broken and dissected. their teeth filed into the sacred shapes of the damned. held down by faceless darkness. the universe shrinking back through time. a mouth held open to the bottomless pit. the flavour of the death of all that have come before. the air bloated and brittle with fear. solidifying. forever mummified in the molten ruins of the rejected. their gleeful pain a molten wave that consumes. fields of blood and onyx carry your remains to the last chariot of stone drawn by the great caribou. dragged across the valley of the endless void. to a place where no word exists. where you are left atop the final precipice. the vast expanse of hopelessness stretching into the infinite. beckoning with the shattered feathered hands of the damned. - Seldon Hunt
Posted By BigTruck @ 10:27 PM | Comments: 0 |
| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
Rules Of Doom
184 Rules Of Doom
1. Life is too short to experience all that is good.
2. Life is too long to enjoy living.
3. Every day is a funeral.
5. Do not smile
6. Do not laugh.
7. Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.
8. Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.
9. No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
11. No matter what anyone says, you're not a Goth.
16. Spend years looking for that extremly rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.
17. You must never admit to liking a "fast part" on a doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.
18. Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening because "it's doomy!".
19. You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is **** up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his "music was good".
20. Album covers must contain one of the following: Ruins, Spirits in agony, A cemetary sculpture of an angel, or A pretty painting of heaven...
21. But you're not a Goth!
22. As a Doomster, you're too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.
23. Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it's on.
24. Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if it's good or bad for you.
25. Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they're black and depressed.
27. Consider yourself open-minded about music.
28. Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially "True Norwegian Black Metal!"
29. Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
30. If you're a traditional doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans "Gothic Fags". Also complain about Droning doom because it's not music.
31. If you’re a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad doom is really Heavy Rock.
32. If you’re a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to get you.
33. If you're a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it's even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about trad-doom because half the vocalists sound like they've been castrated.
34. If you're a fan of Droning Doom, you're probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
36. If someone says Doom-Metal is a mix between Death-Metal and Gothic-Metal, kick him in the nuts.
37. Unless you're fixated on an Earth CD at the time, then you probably didn't hear a word he just said.
39. Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as "Crushing," "Monolithic," "Depressive," and "Suicidal" are good reviews... and yes, these are complimentary terms!
40. If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal doom to cheer you up.
41. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
42. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're probably still a miserable bastard.
43. No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower. 44. If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
45. If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless you are Disembowelment.
48. Only the first two albums of a band are True™ doom.
49. Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you're CULT!
50. Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how the song will turn out.
51. Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro's, outro's and short intermezzo's (on both disks) are included in the song count.
52. You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for "band shots".
53. True™ doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative, spouse, fiancée or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend.
54. If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for "Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom" status. An example of this would be: "Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch
55. There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as "Rover, My Temptress Whore MXVIII.")
56. While practicing your death metal "Cookie Monster" vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
58. A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat itself for at least 16 minutes.
61. Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.
62. Violinists are not necessarily gay.
63. The mark of good funeral doom is whether you can get a beer from the fridge in the time between two snare hits.
66. Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.
67. Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.
68. Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an 'Intro'.
69. Doom bands should not be popular, unless they're disbanded, then they are CULT.
70. Don't go out, unless the weather's cold and dreary.
71. Funerals are your favourite pastime.
72. State explicitly that doom bands are interesting and varied, then record a song with one riff the entire 20minutes of the track
74. Sing along in the bath to your favourite doom band, then deny it because your too "depressed" to sing to yourself in the bath
75. Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many music forms, and laugh at the cack non-doomsters listen to.
76. All doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other doom band
78. If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to break up or else you're a sell-out
80. Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a punk rock prick.
81. Doom musicians don't move at gigs. If they move, they are not doom.
82. Same applies to the audience.
84. If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit before they reach the manic phase!
93. You know when you are listening to doom when you’re out cycling and old ladies walk past you.
94. You know when you are listening to doom when that snail jumps out in front of you.
95. The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and find it's still playing when you wake up.
96. Make sure your booklet don't contain lyrics or information of any sort.
97. Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn’t go see a doctor of doom.
98. Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me!
99. Always keep the curtains closed, use candles is you must have light.
100. Your first breath is the beginning of your death.
101. Go drown yourself in a stream of mourn.
102. Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules
103. Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall off the edge into even blacker nothingness
107. Time is what happens between mistakes
108. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough, but don’t panic, life is terminal.
109. Nothing is the answer to everything
113. Life is a fruitless search for a answer that doesn’t exist that seems to last longer than a Doom song but is actually over in a flash
114. Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.
115. In all things, be alone.
117. Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.
118. Take each day at a time and discard yesterday's burdens or they will crush you when you add them to tomorrows
119. Life is a sexually transmitted disease
120. Life is pop-up hell
121. Life... don't talk to me about life
124. Ambition is like smoking face down in bed
125. Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much
126. Happiness is about being happy that you're not sad about being unhappy.
127. The music business is a monkey's arse.
128. Judge a person by their record collection.
129. There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale
130. Love is a poisoned chalice and hate is the antidote
131. Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty
132. Hell is other people
134. Fail young, fail often
135. Avoid moments of clarity
137. Never brush your teeth with a deck scrub
140. Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show, however good, could conceivably be good forever
141. Reality is an internal representation, so don’t worry about it
142. Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.
143. In all things be drunk.
144. Doomsters don’t take ‘Speed’, they take ‘Slow’
145. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
146. Life is a 100 year mortgage that you can’t afford the payments on.
149. Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn... nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN... NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.
150. Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death, suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom dejection, melancholia, desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment woe, sorrow, Wretchedness, unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning, solitude, solemnity and Doom.... and so should you.
151. Generally speaking Sludge Doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are sad, funeral doomsters are barely breathing, death doomsters are dirty, drunk and dribbling, Stoner Doomsters don't care, drone doomsters are out of it and traditional Doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with other doomsters.
152. Have at least one goat-related song on your new album
154. If half the audience hasn't left out of frustration before you've finished your first note, then you're playing too fast.
155. Trad Doom bands have to have shitty singers, it's the law. 156. No one else understands why a 2 note song is good, but you don't care.
157. Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats involved.
158. Make sure your drummer's not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake him up and tell him he played fantastic.
159. Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse yourself.
161. Make fun of punks. remember though, you are open-minded.
163. Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek (you know who you are)
164. Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label otherwise you'll never release anything other than CDRs.
165. If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews of the bands that do.
166. Don't mention Lee Dorian's singing ability. Remember, he owns a record label.
168. Funeral Doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your guitar, it's bound to get out of tune between strikes.
169. Did the lights just go out or was that the night?
170. Expect the term 'Score' to mean one thing to a Funeral Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
171. Expect the phrase "Is there another key?" to mean one thing to a Death Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
173. Gothic doomsters: Don't cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste salty.
174. Doom SHALL rise.
175. Doom or be doomed.
177. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
179. Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig and nick your equipment
180. Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if the drummer's secretly into Thrash, the guitarist's a closet Malmsteen fan and the bassplayer's so doped up he thinks he a Prog Rocker.
181. Get a girlfriend...she will double the audience!
182. The Swans are doom.
183. Doom is Rage without the aggression.
184. Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for your next funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then on the night, drop your trousers and unleash you're awe inspiringly large testicles... arch your back... spread your legs wide... and sway them to and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly headbanging embarrasing situation.
Posted By BigTruck @ 10:26 PM | Comments: 0 |
| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
Black Metal: A Rough Guide
Rev up a chainsaw. Flick on the blender and a couple of power tools. Stand directly behind an F-16, right before it blasts into space. A jackhammer should do to set the tempo. Now get down on all fours, contort your face into the wildest grimace you can muster, and scream until your vocal chords collapse. If all of this makes you feel just the least bit ridiculous, hit yourself in the face with a roofing hammer until you can't laugh anymore. There now. Listen carefully. This is what Black Metal sounds like.
Posted By BigTruck @ 10:23 PM | Comments: 0 |
| Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
The Best Of The Best
electronica/industrial metal:
1.Samael
2.Fear Factory
3.Static-X
gothic metal:
1.Katatonia
2.Type O Negative
3. Mortiis
progressive metal:
1.opeth
2.Frantic Bleep
3.Alchemist
alternative metal:
1.deftones
2.Slipknot
3.American Head Charge
UGBM (ie. filth/crust):
1.Epoch
2.Darkthrone
3.1349
Commercial Black Metal:
1.Behemoth
2.Anaal Nathrakh
3.Mayhem
Pagan/Volk Metal:
1.Primordial
2.Moonsorrow
3.Bathory
Death metal:
1.Nile
2.Cryptopsy
3.Deicide
melodeath:
1.Disbelief
2.(early)Soilwork
3.Dark Tranquility
GoreGrind (or whatever it's called!):
1.Cannibal Corpse
2.Visceral Bleeding
3.Mortician
doom/death:
1.My Dying Bride
2.Mourning Beloveth
3.Draconian
Art Metal:
1.Pelican
2.Burst
3.Hyatari
sludge metal:
1.Toadliquor
2.EyehateGod
3.Crowbar
Stoner metal:
1.Spirit Caravan
2.Bongzilla
3.Lid
Drone doom:
1.Sunn O)))
2.Boris
3.XyXyXMa
Traditional Doom:
1.Cathedral
2.Pentagram
3.Trouble
grindcore:
1.Agoraphobic Nosebleed
2.Cephalic Carnage
3.Pig Destroyer
Mathcore:
1.Meshuggah
2.Dillinger Escape Plan
3.Dysrhythmia
Hardcore (I know, i know):
1.Hatebreed
2.Throwdown
3.Agnostic Front
metalcore:
1.chimaira
2.Killswitch Engage
3.Vision Of Disorder
power metal:
1.dragonforce
2.Blind Guardian
3.Symphorce
thrash:
1.Celtic Frost
2.Metallica
3.Testament
heavy metal:
1.Black Sabbath
2.Iron Maiden
3.Motorhead
Posted By BigTruck @ 10:32 AM | Comments: 0 |
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