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insertname's blog
| Thursday, July 28th, 2005
Sporks
The ‘Amazing’ Spork: A step up in convenience, a step back in intellect?
The spork: some claim it to be the single greatest culinary invention yet. Truly our forefathers could never have imagined such a glorious thing to have sprung from the minds of mere men. Imagine, combining two utensils, so different in design, into one superior tool. It is most definite that these are the utensils of the future. But they are so much more. Though they are found in nearly ever cafeteria nation wide, we are still a little amazed each time we see one. The spork has swept the nation and made its indentation in society, gathering up quite a following. The simple search of the word “spork” on google will find you hundreds, if not thousands, of spork lovers and even worshipers. However, what is the spork truly? Is it really as great as it seems?
Each day when feeding time arrives(unless you are anorexic) you are faced with a choice: spoon, fork, knife, or hand? This choice requires us to analyze our food and, by it’s appearance and properties, choose the best utensil to use on it. This period, though sometimes lasting for barely a second, sharpens our non-verbal skills and keeps our brain at work. The invasion of the spork will surely end this practice. This has eliminated any lunch time brain activity at our schools and soon, with the help of metallic manufactured sporks found conveniently at your local grocery store, will end it at the home as well. Without this activity our brains will be losing vital exercise. Slowly, we will find less need to use our problem solving functions in real life situations. This will spawn a new generation of lazy slobs who will have everything done for them. No more decisions and no more independence. Our youth will be like zombies. Soon all appliances will be combined until everything is done by one or two multi-talented devices that run your daily life. Don’t believe me? Look around you. It has already begun. The new dependant society will be easily controlled by those higher up on the levels of government. You will be tools of those who are powerful, and totally unaware of it. You will no longer be humans, but meat puppets. You’ll be cattle, kept alive and bred for the purpose of supporting your ‘masters’.
On a brighter note, the current world wide spreading of the spork will cause factories to be made and more jobs created. Finally those poor little children in China will have jobs to make small inadequate amounts of money for their starving families, that is, of course, if the person who runs the factory decides to pay them at all. if not, tough luck. Life’s a bitch like that. But hey, at least you can be consoled by the fact that you weren’t directly causing child labor/slavery.
Truly sporks are the devil.
Some may argue that this is untrue. Many believe sporks are, in fact, a gift from God, if not God-like themselves. Some believe the spork is God. it can be argued that the Bible, when interpreted correctly, claims that the spork is the supreme being...err...utensil. However, the Bible, when translated correctly, could also seem to claim it was inspired by Satan himself. This is another step in the direction of the spork being the devil. Think about it. They were used first by places like Taco Bell and KFC. Taco Bell’s mascot is a talking dog that speaks Spanish, which as we all know is the choice language of el Diablo. They might as well have tattooed 666 on the Chihuahua’s head. Not only that, but their food bombs anyways and gives many innocent people(mostly pure religious types who donate to charity and love everyone) horrid indigestion. Next, we have KFC and their dear Colonel Sanders. He is the personification of white supremacy. He represents all the prejudice in the world. With his clean white coat and shiny ebony cane, it is obvious that Sanders is better off than most. This southern gentlemen is the image of every rich, wife beating, minority hating redneck from the past, present, and future. If this is not evil and supported by the devil, I don’t know what is. This proves that sporks could very well be Satan, or at least a creation of him.
So there you have it. Evil, dominating, and the true end of humanity. If you can’t put the pieces together yourself it doesn’t matter because you and your descendants deserve this fate. The truth has been revealed. Revoke the spork! Don’t allow it to draw you in! I know that it’s amazing, the mixture of a spoon and fork(two seemingly unmixable things) into something so incredible, but you must not let this blind you. Remember, natural disasters are incredible too, and they kill.
Posted By insertname @ 6:43 PM | Comments: 11 |
| Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
This one goes out to Vampy and Synthetic
"Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance To Anything)"
You'll dance to anything [x4]
Oh, baby, look at you
Don't you look like Siouxsie Sioux
How long'd it take to get that way
What a terrible waste of energy
You wear black clothes say you're poetic
The sad truth is you're just pathetic
Get into the groove just get out of my way
I came here to drink not to get laid
So why don't you just go on home
'Cause if you want to moan you'll have to moan alone
You'll dance to anything [x2]
Don't try to tell me that you're an intellectual
Cause you're just another boring bisexual
"I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party"
Blow it out your hairdo 'cause you work at Hardees
80 pounds of make up on your art school skin
80 points of I.Q. located within
Know what you are? You're a bunch of ...
Artfags! Artfags! Artfags! Artfags!
Choke on this you dance-a-teria types!
You'll dance to anything by The Communards
You'll dance to anything by Book of Love
You'll dance to anything by The Smiths
You'll dance to anything by Depeche Commode
You'll dance to anything by Public Image Limited
You'll dance to anything by Naked Truth
You'll dance to anything by any bunch of stupid Europeans who come over here
with their big hairdos intent on taking our money instead of giving your
cash, where it belongs, to a decent American artist like myself!
You'll dance to anything!
Please, don't hit me guys. I just couldn't resist. Really, can you blame me?
Posted By insertname @ 11:04 PM | Comments: 3 |
| Saturday, June 18th, 2005
Vampire Hookers
After much deliberation, and a bit of time in the bathroom sniffing paint, I have finally decided that the greatest movie is, indeed, Vampire Hookers. I'll admit that many other movies have come close, but none have quite reached the level of this artistic master piece. Of course, you're all wondering right about now: "What's so special about hookers? My Dad brings them home all the time!" Well, Billy.. (can I call you Billy? Great.) I know that hookers, in themselves, are not very amazing. I mean, let's be serious. They are cheap, stinky, diseased, horribly dressed, unintelligent, criminal, heroin addicted sluts. But let's not forget that hookers are only around to make people happy, and, like all people with this goal in mind(for example, Walt Disney), they must live with the fact that what they are doing is illegal and that they smell bad. You shouldn't judge them. After all, if not for Hookers, you'd probably be beaten a lot more frequently(and maybe even raped once or twice).
Now that we have set up the hookers are, in fact, awesome, we move on to the vampire part. Now, Billy, I'm sure you're saying to yourself now: "But vampires are evil! And they hurt people!" Well Billy, let's remember that the vampires we are talking about are the imaginary ones. We don't mean those stupid preteens who sharpen their teeth and have crazy orgies. Those vampires are indeed retches on society and make awful prostitutes. These psuedo-vampire prostitutes are the ones who are found on the dark side of the corner(We all know to stay away from those kinds), not to be confused with the ones in the partially lighted part of the corner, who are helpful to society. The vampires we talk about are the ones that help the world by getting rid of bitches who scream loudly and who don't know not to fuck a guy who just flew through their bedroom window. We are also not talking about the Anne Rice vamps, who are useless, as all they do is fuck anything in sight. They aren't as useful as hookers, as they don't fuck people who really need it(just old dudes who are going to kick it any time now, not the average divorced joes of the world who really need it), and they are not as useful as other vampires as they don't do nearly enough killing.
Now that we have that all set up, we can move on to the mixture of these two beings. Now, I know what you're about to say: "But Julia, you can't mix two creatures who are as different as hookers and vampires! It's unnatural!" The truth is, vampires and hookers are very closely related. They have many, many similarities. They are both nocturnal, good at climbing, smelly, known to kill(though by different means), are only half living, and much more! See Billy? They are perfect for mixing!
With the vampires' impressive senses improving the crappy ones of the hooker, the hookers street smarts and ability to make money to help improve the living conditions from a coffin to a condo, and the amazing killer abilities of both merging to make a super killing machine would make this creature the greatest thing to ever walk the Earth.
Now that we have established that the hybrid Vampire Hooker is the greatest creature ever, we will now talk about why the *movie* is so great. I feel it is safe to say that this movie has everything a movie could possibly have without making your brain explode from the pure awesomeness of it all. It has vampires, hookers, vampire hookers, business men, pimps, vampire pimps(another amazingly bred creature, which we shall discuss at a later time), sailors, pirates, and quite a bit more that I can't be bothered to list right now. With all this bad ass shit mixed into one easy to find video, you have the undeniably greatest movie ever.
Now Billy, I'm sure that after reading this you're aching to see this awesome, action packed, romantic, thought-provoking movie. Too bad. This movie is rated...I think something around X. You'll never get you under-aged hands on it. But hey, at least you can live happily with the knowledge that such a movie is in existence and brings joy to people everyday, right?
Vampire Hookers rock.
Posted By insertname @ 4:44 PM | Comments: 5 |
| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
Paine(not like pain)
Thomas Paine rocks. You cannot deny it. He was the coolest(or is that second coolest?) person to ever live. He didn't take anyone's shit. He kicked everyone's ass, even Washington's.
He avoided death in a French Prison, called Washington a dirty traitor, made friends with Napoleon(only to ditch him later, when he realized he was too cool for that guy), and denounced the churches of the time as money/power-hungry jerks. He helped lead the Revolution in America and then went to do the same in France. On the way, he probably wrestled some bears and stuff, too. All in all, he is much better than you will ever be. So there.
Well, it's a little off the wall but Paine is ultra shibby. What the hell else am I going to put on a blog?
Paine Revolution III!
Posted By insertname @ 9:08 PM | Comments: 2 |
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